Cat Can't Come Back
by Oxoxhi
Summary: Cat hides her pain with her bubbly personality. But the truth is, when you look closer, you will find scars and bones.   Cutting, Anorexia, Depression. R&R Story is better then summary! Sorry
1. He tries, I cry

**Hey guys! This is a new story, I am excited about this one! I like a lot of my other stories, but I think I am going to LOVE this one! I am really excited for you guys to read it. Tell me what you think? I don't want to continue a story if no one likes it. But I hope that you do. Its different. **

**Show: Victorious**

**Characters: Cat, Robbie. (I must warn you, this might be a little OOC. But not all the way though, like Robbie wont have Rex in the story.)**

**Plot: Cat hides her sadness behind her laughter and smiles. But when you look closer, you see scars on her arms, you see pain in her heart, you find bones. Cat has turned for the worst. Find out what happens, and how her crush tries to help her through it all. **

**Cat's POV**

I just wanted to be wanted. I didn't want it to get where it was. I didn't want to start cutting. I didn't want to hurt anyone. But I did. I am ashamed of what I have done. I am ashamed of what is going on. I shouldn't have let people figure me out, figure out what was really going on. They are mad. I think. I hope that they can forgive me and we can move on. I didn't do anything wrong.

But they are starting to figure me out, I am not really a bubbly person. I don't always smile, I never smile actually, because I have nothing to smile about. There isn't anything to smile about.

"_Cat... what is on your arm." Robbie asked concerned. _

_Oh no! I forgot to put the makeup on my scars. _

"_Oh, nothing! I feel and something scraped my arm." I said, trying to sound convincing. _

"_It scraped your arm like 300 times? Or did you just fall and happen to scrape your arms 300 times." He asked with sarcasm, with a bit of worry in his voice._

"_Robbie, there is nothing to worry about! I promise." I reassured him. He was still worried. You could tell, it was in his eyes. _

"_Cat... are you cutting yourself?" He asked me strictly, but quietly, so no one else would hear._

"_No Robbie." Lies. I started to get up and leave the table outside of Hollywood arts. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him._

"_Cat... What is wrong with your arms. Tell me the truth!" He yelled to me. People were staring at us. _

"_Robbie! Nothing happened! I told you! I fell!" I told him back, this is the first time that he has ever seen me mad or upset. _

"_Cat! You have scars up and down your arms, everywhere you look, scars! Cat, are you cutting yourself?" He asked me again. I avoided his eyes._

"_I have to get home Robbie. I have to feed my cat." I was upset but then got a sudden burst of joy!_

"_Hehe! She is a cat! And my name is Cat!" I giggled and lightly tapped his shoulder with my hand. _

"_Cat this isn't the time to joke." He was mad._

"_Jeez. I am going home. I really do need to feed my cat." I couldn't help but giggle again. _

So I guess that it looks like my bubbly personality isn't all that fake. But after such a long time of acting so... Bubbly, But when you acted for so long that is who you are, that is all you know. The fake stuff. Truth is, I am a girl who is horrible, at everything, I was shocked when I got into Hollywood Arts. I didn't know that they would let in a loser. A no talent loser. After my mom and dad let me get my own place, I haven't seen them. At all. That was a year ago. I don't really want to deal with there fighting. So I ignore there calls. I ignore them. Because I don't want to be dragged in the middle of it anymore.

_I sat at home, crying. I can't believe that Robbie just found out! This is horrible, he is going to tell everyone. I sat on my bed, when my phone rang._

_Jade._

_Ignore. _

_Then my phone rang again._

_Beck._

_Ignore_

_After ten minuets, Jade, beck, and Tori had called me. Then the texts started coming in._

_-Cat! What is going on? Robbie just called me saying that you had scars all over your arms!- Beck_

_-Cat, please call me! Are you okay? Robbie said that you are hurting yourself... like cutting, is this true? Cat please call me! You can talk to me!- Tori_

_-Cat, you know I am the last person to worry, but I am worried about you. You need to call me, okay? I am worried about you! Really! Are you cutting yourself!- Jade._

_I didn't respond to anyone._

_-Cat! You seriously need to tell me what is going on, I thought I was your friend. Do you not trust me? Tell me what is going on with your arms! Are they anywhere else? I am coming over!- Robbie. _

_-No! Don't come over Robbie! I am fine.- Cat_

_-No you aren't, and I am coming over. I don't care what you say right now.- Robbie._

_-I wont answer the door.- Cat._

_-I have a key, remember?- Robbie. _

_Shit. I forgot I gave all of my friends keys. _

_My home is theirs. _

_I didn't respond to Robbie. I just couldn't. So I waited for him to walk into my house and yell at me for cutting myself, but I will just keep denying it. There is no reason to tell him the truth, I mean he knows, but I don't have to admit to it, I can be in denial. It works for me. _

_During the next 10 minuets I got another 5 texts. _

_-Cat! Call me! Right now!- Jade_

_-Seriously Cat! Why aren't you answering anyone!- Beck_

_-Cat! Are you okay? Please call me back! We need to talk! You need to talk to SOMEONE!- Tori_

_-I am almost their!- Robbie_

_-Cat seriously! Call me right now!- Jade_

_I ignored everyone. I don't need to talk to anyone. I am okay. There isn't anything to talk about._

_I heard my front door open._

_Robbie..._

"_Cat! Where are you!" Robbie yelled from my living room. I didn't respond. I just stayed sitting on my bed. Making sure that my make up wasn't messed up on my closer mirror. _

_He walked into my room._

"_Stand up." He ordered me. I stood up._

"_Take off your sweatshirt." I paused. _

"_Take it off." He again told me. But I didn't. So he took my arms and pulled up the sleeves. Observing my cuts. _

"_You are cutting." He said. He sounded mad. _

"_No. I am not." He put his hands to his face in frustration._

"_Cat! Do I look stupid? I am not! Because I see your arms!" He yelled at me. I pulled my arms back, and pulled down the sleeves. He went to my dresser. Opened my drawers and pulled out a pair of shorts._

"_Go change into these." He ordered. I looked at him in confusion. "I read that cutters cut more then just on there arms, but there legs to. So go change."I didn't move._

"_Now Cat!" I was worried. I didn't want him to see all of the scars on my legs. I was wearing jeans today so I didn't even bother to put makeup on them, but obviously I didn't even bother to put make up on the scars on my arms. I left and went to the bathroom to change into the shorts. I thought it was kind of appealing the way he was taking charge. I took out some foundation to try and cover up the scars._

_He opened the door._

"_Wow good thing I was changed Robbie!" I yelled, but he caught me because while he came in I was rubbing foundation all over my legs. He picked me up and sat me on the counter in the bathroom, opening the cabinet and taking out a rag, wetting it, and rubbing them all over my legs, revealing many, many more scars then where showing before. _

_They have been here for so long that I forgot that they are here most of the time._

"_Cat! Seriously! Is there anything else I should know about?" He knew so much, I should just show him the rest. I jumped off of the counter and lifted up my shirt to reveal my stomach, and my ribs. Cuts filled my hips and my stomach. But that wasn't all that I was showing him._

"_Robbie I am an anorexic and bulimic." He stood there for awhile, shock on his face._

"_Hmm." He said. _

"_Robbie, look I am sor-"_

"_Don't. Just don't. You need to stop this Cat! You need to stop all of this nonsense bullshit that you are doing! You need to stop right now! I am not even kidding!"_

"_Robbie? Are you here?" I heard Tori yell._

"_Hey Rob." I heard Beck yell. So that means Jade was here too. He grabbed my arms and dragged me out of the bathroom to them. _

"_Look at her." He pushed me towards them. I tried to turn around and run, but Robbie grabbed me before I could, picked me up, and sat me on the couch. _

_He is so strong. _

_I can't believe right now I am turned on by Robbie while he is being so... mad. He was so cute when he was all caring in his weird ways. _

_Robbie made sure that I was going to stay seated while the other looked at me by sitting me on his lap and holding me down. I didn't struggle. I just sat there. _

"_Cat... Are you cutting yourself." Before I could even answer Robbie decided to answer for me._

"_Yeah! Not only that but she also told me she was anorexic and bulimic." Everybody's faces grew in shock. _

"_Cat, is this true?" Beck asked. Tori turned around because she was crying. I escaped Robbie's grip and ran to my room in tears and locked the door behind me. You could hear them all chasing after me. Banging on my door._

"_Cat! Let us in! We need to talk to you." I just kept sobbing. _

"_Cat! Open the door!" I just kept sobbing._

"_Cat, please let us in." I just kept sobbing._

_Suddenly the door slammed open._

_I looked up shocked. _

"_Jade is a great lock picker." Beck said._

"_Yeah I am." She smirked for just a second before she realized what was going on again. Robbie pushed everyone out of the way to get to me. _

"_Cat." I avoided his eyes._

"_Cat please look at me." He had his soft voice on. Trying to be caring and sincere, even though he didn't understand anything that I was doing. I didn't listen so he turned my head for me. _

"_Cat.. you cant be hurting yourself like this. You know that you can't do this. Cat this isn't you. You are the bubbly girl that everyone loves. You aren't like this." I again avoided his eyes, but he didn't say anything this time._

"_Robbie." I said sobbing._

"_I don't want you mad at me. I am sorry. I am really, really sorry." He just nodded his head and pulled me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder. _

"_I am not mad sweetie. I just don't want you hurt. You know this. You have always known that you could come to me, haven't you? Because you can, no matter what. You can come to any of us when you are feeling sad. Specially when you are feeling so sad that you have to stop eating or cut yourself Cat." He hugged my closer._

_**Thank you for reading! Do you like it? I hope so! I really like this story! **_

_**Review and tell me what you think, okay?**_

_**Thank you guys!**_

_**Sierra~~**_


	2. Give me the Knifes and Eat

**Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews! They mean a lot! Hope you like Chapter 2! **

**Cats POV**

So as I said, I am not really happy. I cry myself to sleep, every night. My friends would have never known if it wasn't for Robbie seeing my cuts. Then he had to go and tell all of my other friends to make them worry. Now they are all crying, so upset, I don't know what to do. I try so hard to be a fun loving person. But I can't be anymore. I feel like I am about to fall apart. Even more.

I remember the day that Robbie walked in on me...

"_Robbie I have to go! I am really tired, I have that thing to do tomorrow."_

"_What thing?" He asked._

"_You know.. That singing thing."_

"_You have a singing thing tomorrow? What kind of singing thing?"_

"_You know... The one you have to sing at." I giggled and ran away. He didn't buy my act anymore. He knew who I was really now, but he still seamed to accept me for who I am. But I was worried that it wouldn't last long. Because when he really sees what I do, when he finds me dead somewhere from a bottle of pills or my knife, he wont care anymore. He shouldn't even care now. Soon enough, he will realize this. _

_So I went home. Crying. I didn't want him to leave. Maybe if I leave first, then he wont be able to leave me. Not first anyways. And I cant do it with words. Ending our friendship. So I should end my_

_miserable life. Right now. _

_I opened my door, locking it behind me. _

_Dropping my purse, I ran into the bathroom, grabbed my knife from the bottom drawer, under my brush, and went back to my living room to sit on my couch._

_I pushed the blade against my skin, it was already so full of scars, its not like it will matter if there is just a couple more. _

_Its not like anyone will care. _

_The fact of the matter is, that nothing matters anymore. _

_I slit open my wrist. Blood._

_It flowed onto the towel that I had laying on my lap, under my arm. So that it wouldn't get anywhere. _

_Again._

_I slit open my wrist._

"_Cat?" I look up and Robbie is standing there, tears running down his face. _

"_I thought you said that you stopped." He said. _

"_Robbie.. I.." He marched up to me, taking the knife from my hand and dragging me to the bathroom, where he ran warm water over my new cuts. _

"_Do you do this often?" He asked me._

"_Robbie..."_

"_Cat! Do you do this often? Have you done it, other then today, from when you said you stopped?" He yelled to me. I just nodded my head._

"_When?" He tried to act calm, but you could see the pain in his eyes as he talked. I didn't mean to hurt him so bad. I didn't mean to hurt him at all. I didn't want to kill myself, not right now. So I just cut._

"_That night." I said. _

"_Wait... the night that you said that you stopped?" I again nodded my head. _

"_Did you ever intend to stop cutting? Or was that all just an act?" He was super mad, you could tell by the change of tone when I told him that I cut that night. _

"_Robbie.."_

"_No cat! Why did you do it? Why did you purposely try to hurt me? You know I love you!" I looked at him in shock, he was shocked to... from himself, from my actions. He just told me that he loved me. But he could mean just as a friend... right? I mean he is like my best friend out of the group of friends, he seems to understand me a lot more then anyone else in the group. And he was the one who really tried to get me to stop cutting or to start eating , not that the others didn't try, but they didn't go to the levels that Robbie did. I don't usually feel special. But Robbie makes me feel special. _

"_Robbie..." _

"_Sorry." He quickly said._

"_I love you too." I said. I didn't know if he would take it as just a friend, or if he would take it as more. Honestly I didn't care. Either one was fine, but I would rather him go with the second one._

"_Well good. That means we are friends. That means that you trust me! So trust me Cat, you do not deserve this! So you, again, need to stop this nonsense and come to me. If you don't want to come to me, go to someone else! But you are stopping cutting. You are. Right now." He said to me holding me in a hug while we sat in the bathroom._

"_Wait.. Cat... What about your eating?" He asked me. "Did you lie to me about that too?" I didn't answer._

"_You did... didn't you." He rolled his eyes. "Wow Cat... you really are a great actress." He let go of me and started to leave the bathroom. But then I think he remembered why he was here. So he stopped in the middle of the hallway, I was following close behind to apologize. _

"_Cat. Will you promise me something?"_

"_What is it?"_

"_Cat... will you?"_

"_Well I don't know Robbie. What is it?"_

"_Cat! You need to promise me... promise me that no matter what is going on. You wont end your life." I looked at him in shock. _

"_Robbie..."_

"_Cat! Promise me this."_

"_Fine.. I promise Robbie." _

"_Good. Now give me all of your knifes."He strictly told me. I had one in my purse, not sharp, so I didn't use it today, but I have one in my purse. I will keep that one. _

_I slowly handed him my 3 pocket knifes from my bathroom._

"_And Kitchen knifes." I looked at him confused._

"_What about when I need to cut my meat or something?" I yelled at him._

"_Cat, really. You haven't had anything healthy and nutrition filled in how long?" _

_No answer._

"_Exactly. Give me your kitchen knifes."_

"_Robbie, how is this exactly going to do anything? Its not like I can't go out and get new knifes."_

"_True, but I am staying with you for awhile, just to make sure that you have really stopped this time."_

"_I never said I was going to stop Robbie."_

"_No.. But I did."_

"_So that is going to keep me from cutting?"_

"_Well, it should. Because if you don't..." He paused_

He is so kind to me. Really. At first I kind of had a bad outlook on the whole situation with Robbie. That he was taking my knifes to be mean. But he was only try to help me.

"_Get your stuff. We are going to go get you some food."_

"_But I am not hungry." I responded, upset._

"_To bad, get your stuff." Robbie said, grabbing his keys._

I hate food.

"_Robbie! This food is HORRIBLE!" I yelled at him. _

"_Hmm. No. No its not. You need to eat. All of it." Robbie said, chomping down on his pizza. I had a slice sitting in front of me. Tears started running down my face. _

"_Robbie, I reall-"_

"_Cat. Eat." He interrupted._

"_But Robbie!" I yelled. He ignored me. _

"_Cat. Eat the food. We are not leaving till you do."_

"_What if I never finish it?"_

"_Then I will..." He paused._

So that is why I am here.

With you.

**Got you wondering? Please Review! I really want to know if I should continue this! **

**I love you all!**

**Sierra~~**

**God Bless**


	3. Staying with Robbie

**-Hey guys! Hope you like this next chapter! I feel good about this  
>story, I just wish more people would read the story.<strong>_**-**_

_Cats POV._

_"Robbie! I am not hungry. Can we please just go? We have been here  
>for an hour and a half." I had taken a nibble out of it. My stomach<br>hurt from the greace from the nipple I gulped down.  
>"Umm. I will be right back.." I said standing up. But he stood up<br>quickly putting me back into my seat.  
>"You aren't going to go throw up for not even a forth of a bite<br>Cat." He said, sitting back in his seat.  
>"Fine. But I never said that I was Robbie." I said, angrily because<br>he suspected the worst. Though it was correct, he didn't even let me  
>come up with an excuse.<br>"Okay, so what were you running into the bathroom for?"  
>Silence<br>"Exactly Cat. I am not stupid." I rolled my eyes.  
>"Don't roll your eyes at me because I am trying to help you."<br>"Robbie, I wasn't..." I stopped myself before saying something stupid.  
>"Sorry, Robbie." I said hiding my face into my hands and crying. I<br>felt my pain and sorrows escape from me. I was trying to har to keep  
>them in, but they escaped through my eyes.<br>Robbie got up and came to my side of the booth. Sitting next to me, he  
>hugged me and let me cry. I could tell people were watching me. But I<br>didn't care.  
>"Cat.. Don't cry. Everything is okay." Robbie reassured me. But he<br>didn't know Half of why I was crying.  
>"No Robbie. Not really." I said, still sobbing.<br>"Lets get out of here. We will you up some different food on our way  
>to my house."<br>"Your house?" I asked.  
>"Yes. You are sleeping there tonight."<br>"Oh... Okay." He grabbed my hand, picked up my purse, and led the way  
>out of the restaurant.<br>"Robbie, can't we slow down a little, you are pretty much pushing off of my feet." He stopped, turned around, and looked at me in the eye. _

"_Cat, I do not owe you to slow down. Okay? You are going to have food when we get to my place, just so you know." He said to me, then continuing to drag me across the parking lot to his car. When we got to the car, he opened my door. As soon as I got in, he slammed it, and got to his side of the car. _

_He was mad._

_There was only silence driving home. _

_Why is he so mad? What have I done?_

"_Robbie, whats wrong." I asked. He didn't look at me, he kept his eyes locked on the road. _

"_Nothing." He responded... mad._

"_Robbie, I know that something is wrong. So just tell me."_

_He pulled over and parked the car._

"_You want to know what my issue is Cat?" I nodded, scared._

"_You are my problem right now Cat. I am tired of you hurting yourself like this. You aren't even thinking about the other people that you are hurting while you do this shit to yourself. What do you gain from doing this? Pain? Cat, you don't deserve pain, and while you are causing pain to yourself, you are causing pain to ALL of your friends. Just think of that the next time you want to slice your body open." My body grew stiff. Did he really just yell at me like that? With such anger, such pain in his voice. Did I really do this to him? __No... I couldn't have.__ I didn't know what to think. I didn't know if he was really THIS hurt by what I have done._

"_Robbie, I don't-"_

"_Stop talking Cat. You will just make things worse." Robbie interrupted me. I just nodded my head, and hid my tears by facing the window. He noticed, obviously. Even though they were silent tears, the pain screams in the silent car. _

"_Cat.. I am sorry." Robbie said by time we got to his house. _

"_Don't worry about it Robbie." I said, getting out of the car quickly so he wouldn't say anything else. But that didn't last long, because soon we were both standing outside his door, waiting for him to unlock the door. But he took, what seamed like forever, to unlock the door. _

_When he finally did, he held the door open, so I could go in first. _

"_You can get the guest bedroom. Its down-"_

"_I know where it is Robbie, I have been here 1000 times."_

"_Oh..Well I was just making sure." _

Robbie is the reason I am here. I don't think he understands how much he hurt me.. putting me... here. I don't like it here, but it is where I have to be forever.

Forever... Such a long... long time.

_I walked into the guest bedroom. Mint, the room smelt of mint. _

_Why?_

_I climbed up into the bed, pushing my body under the covers, and sobbing into the brightly colored yellow pillow. _

"_Cat." I heard Robbie say at the door. I quickly held back the upcoming tears, and turned around to face him._

"_Yes?"_

"_Come eat." Robbie demanded, walking away from the room, down the hall. I could hear him, he was in the kitchen, his shoes taped against the tile floor. I got up, weakly, and went into the kitchen and sat at the counter stool._

"_Have some pancakes." He pushed a plate full of warm pancakes in front of me._

"_I don't want any." I pushed the plate away from my face_

"_Cat! Have some!" He pushed the plate in front of me again._

"_Seriously Robbie. I am not hungry, I had enough to eat at the restaurant." He rolled his eyes._

"_We have discussed this, you had a nibble. NOT EVEN. Cat, you need to eat something."_

"_I will eat later, I am tired." I got up and started for the guest room. My room tonight. He stopped me by grabbing my shoulder and turning me around. _

"_Cat. Please." He begged me. I couldn't help but feel bad when I looked into his eyes and saw all of this pain, that he was saying was all from me. All of that pain can't possibly be all from me... right?_

"_Fine." I sat down at the counter again, picked up one of the pancakes, putting it on a separate plate, then swallowing down. Slowly. Bite by bite. The pain in my stomach. Felt like knifes stabbing me, over and over again. I held my breath. _

"_There. Goodnight." He nodded, grabbed my plate, and started to wash it. While he did, I quickly went to the bathroom and locked the door. _

_I leaned over the toilet, I don't even need to stick my finger down my throat anymore, its so controllable now. I vomited the pancake that was setting in my stomach. I felt better. But the calories, they were already absorbed. _

_The calories._

_The fat._

_**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK**_

"_Cat.. Are you in there?" He tried the door knob, locked. _

"_Cat? What are you doing?" I didn't answer, I cried into my knees. I quietly opened his drawer, there sat a new razor. A few actually. I grabbed one, sat it on my wrist and held my breath, for the blood was about to rush out of me. _

_Blood drizzled down my arm, to the floor. _

_Shit. _

"_Cat!" He continued to wobble the door knob. Soon I heard clanking, like the door was being unlocked._

_Robbie slammed the door open and saw the blood.. all over the place. He quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the kitchen. He turned on the water in the sink, and pulled my arm off of it, to reveal the cuts easier. _

_He pulled me back to the bathroom, opened a drawer, took out a bandage, and wrapped my cuts. Three. _

"_Go to bed Cat." Then he noticed the vomit in the toilet. _

"_Cat! Are you kidding me? I just told you how much this hurts me. I told you!" Robbie yelled, tears building up in his eyes. _

"_Robbie-"_

"_Go to bed Cat." He turned around and began to clean the bathroom. The blood, vomit filled bathroom. _

_I walked away, heading to the bedroom. Crying into my pillow.. again._

_I heard cries from the bathroom..._

**Hey guys! Sorry it took so long for me to post! Have been busy! Going on vacation tomorrow! I am so excited! Pray for my family? Slippery roads, blizzard, and its a 27 hour drive. Just get out of this state, and I think we will be okay.**

**R&R?**

**God Bless! **

**Sierra~~**


	4. Almost a kiss

**Hey guys! Just got back from vacation about 2 days ago, so I have been unpacking and getting back to my regular life style here. But it was good back to be back in my home town! (: Oh! Hehe. So, I wrote my last chapter on my ipod, and I put notes in it like "make sure to Bold" ect. I was rereading it today... wow. The last part repeated, there were notes. I was like "What is going on?" Then I realized I am a complete fool. But I edited it! So its all better! Thanks everyone for reading. I did get some criticism, but that is okay, thank you for telling me your feelings about that chapter. I am sorry if you guys didn't like it. /3 **

**Thanks!**

**Cats POV**

"Why do you think he said something to somebody?" He asked.

"I really don't know... It really broke my heart to know he didn't trust me enough." I said, tears building in my eyes.

_I heard the crying from the bathroom. Robbie... it is breaking my heart to hear him cry, I didn't want to hurt him.. I didn't mean to hurt him. Not at all. I crawled out of bed, just to see him, just to talk to him. _

_I walked out in the hallway, my hands shaking. I walked to the bathroom door, where my curly haired, best friend, was sitting on the floor, face in his hands, crying. Because of me. _

"_Robbie.." He jumped up, brushing away the tears quickly, and walking out of the bathroom, pushing me out of the way._

"_Robbie! No please, just listen to me!" I chased after him, waiting for him to finally stop, so I can look at him._

"_What cat? What do you possibly have to say?" Robbie yelled at me. _

"_Please... please stop being so mad.."_

"_Cat, I am beyond mad right now."_

"_But I didn't do it to hurt you! You have to understand, I didn't want this to effect you, I didn't want this to go where it did!"_

"_And now that it did, will you stop."_

_I froze. No..._

"_Yes, I will."_

"_Liar." Robbie said harshly. Tears built up in my eyes. _

"_I am going home." I quickly ran to the bedroom where I was laying, grabbed my purse and ran outside, quickly realizing that I didn't have my car. I'll call a cab._

"_Cat! Come back inside." Robbie yelled from the front door, while I stood on the street in front of his house. _

"_I hope I get hit by a car." I yelled at him, angrily. I looked up at the gray sky. Then it started to drizzle, which turned into a hard rain, quickly. _

"_Cat! Come on! Get inside! Its raining." I turned away from his house, where you could faintly see his figure at the door. So I could cry and he wouldn't see, even though you cant see anything right now. But soon I felt his hands grasp around me. I didn't try and wipe away the tears, they just look like rain on my face. _

"_Please don't cry. I am sorry." He whispered to me, while pulling me into a close hug. I dug my face into his shoulder and cried. _

"_I am really, really sorry." I whispered to him. He didn't respond, just kept hugging me. The rain hit our bodies, which made me cold, so I snuggled closer to him, while standing in the middle of the street. It felt like one of those movie moments, where he would look into my eyes and we would kiss. _

_But even though I wished for that to happen, it wont. Because he didn't care about me that way. _

"_Cat..." I looked up and into his eyes. "You are going to be okay." He said to me. But I just shook my head._

"_You're makeup is running." He chuckled. I laughed along. Wiping the rain and tears from my face. He looked right into my eyes as I did. Then we both leaned in for a kiss. _

My movie moment...

_But when we were just inches from each others faces, where I could taste him, we heard a car horn go off. There was a car trying to pass, but weHeh were standing right in the middle of the street. _

_Robbie grabbed my hand and pulled me back to his house. _

**_Yeah, so this wasn't the best chapter, sorry. But I was kinda just wanting to update so I didn't keep you guys waiting for to long. Haha, so the whole __rain part, was totally not planned. Just as I was writing "It started raining." or whatever, a part in this movie came on where this girl was standing in the rain and the guy kissed her. I was like "Woah, movie moment. That would be cute." So, yeah. :)_**

_**I hope you guys did enjoy the chapter, even though it wasn't the best. I promise you the story will get better. This story is almost hard to write sometimes though... :/**_

_**Well bye!**_

_**Thank you all!**_

_**God Bless 3**_

_**Sierra~~**_


	5. He had a sister, then lost her

**Thanks guys for reading the last chapter, I didn't get many reviews, so I am not to sure if many liked it. But I will continue, hopefully more will start reading :) I love getting peoples thoughts about my story! :D**

**Well enjoy this chapter :)**

**Cat's POV**

"Do you think he wanted to hurt you? Through this process, do you think he thought it was going to end up here?"

"Yes. I do, he always said he was going to tell, I am sure he knew the consequence.

_I woke up to the smell of freshly cooked eggs and bacon. Eww, I hate bacon. I didn't used to, but when I became... well like this, I guess it just sorta happened. Every food in the world to me, became discussing. Even drinks. I got out of the bed where I was tucked in tight. I don't remember going to bed. I just remember sitting on the couch, talking and laughing with Robbie for awhile. I must have fallen asleep. I tiptoed behind Robbie, which was sitting at his table, eating some eggs, but there was no bacon on his plate... he must have ate it already. _

"_Hey." I said behind him, laughing as he jumped, throwing eggs across the table. _

"_Hey.." He said expanding the sound of the 'Y' at the end of the word. _

"_Sorry." I went from happy to sad in seconds. _

"_What? Why?" He asked, confused. _

"_I didn't mean to..." I hid my face so the tears wouldn't upset him too._

"_Cat, sweetie, you didn't do anything. Nothing at all. Please, Please stop crying.." I looked at him, in his eyes. I wanted to kiss him again. _

_That kiss will always be my favorite, I know it. It was so.. perfect. _

_But I knew that I couldn't, because for all I knew, he didn't want to._

**Robbie's POV**

"Do you miss her?" They all ask.

"Yes... I do, I didn't mean to do this to her." I reply.

_I watched her cry. I didn't know what to do. I just asked her to stop. I don't know if I am supposed to hug her, I have never been around someone this sad... other then my sister, of course... but that was different. I treat Cat differently then I treated Carly. _

_After Carly died last year... I never really wanted anything to do with anyone. Specially people who acted like her. Who was so lost in there own mind. But I ended up with Cat, but I wouldn't want it any other way. Cat reminds me of my sister. She makes me feel like a part of my sister is still alive. _

"Now I heard that your sister was going through the same thing Cat was."

"Yeah, she was."

"What happened, may I ask?"

"I found my sister dead, she hung her self from our tree in are back yard in the middle of the night."

"And you found her?"

"Yes. The next morning. I couldn't find her, I was going to wake her up to get ready for school, and she was in the backyard. I cut her down, I tried to save her.. nothing worked... nothing ever worked."

"How old was she?"

"She was 12."

"_Cat, please don't cry. You didn't do anything."_

_No response._

"_I promise." _

_She looked up into my eyes, her teary, soft eyes. She made me want to love her. But I didn't want to get hurt if she did something, because I knew if she cut, and I loved her, it would hurt a lot more._

_But I knew that I already did love her._

_I leaned in for a kiss, again. I didn't really even know what I was doing. My heart took over for a second, and I guess her heart did too, because we both leaned in, and both pulled out when our minds snapped back into control._

**Boring chapter? I am sorry :( I have some really exciting ideas for the upcoming chapters. Please leave me some reviews to tell me what you think. 3**

**God Bless.**

**Sierra 3**


	6. The heart stops beating

**Hey guys! Thanks for waiting so long for the next chapter! Sorry about that!**

**I love you guys so much for all the reviews and all the positive feedback! I also want to thank all of the people who keep making sure I am okay each and every day 3 You don't know how much it means to me to know at least you guys care!**

**Sierra**

**Cat's POV**

"So you made this choice?" The lady asked me.

"Yes I did! But it was his fault! It was his fault.."

_I sat alone in my home. No food to eat. Thank god. But I also had nothing to cut with. I am just sitting on my couch crying. No Robbie to boss me around though. But that almost broke my heart, because I wanted him here with me right now. I wanted him to hold me... I wanted him to tell me to get better, other then having to tell myself that I need to.. for him. _

_I have a feeling that Robbie will never like me unless I get better. But he goes around acting like he does, because he kissed me, almost twice, yesterday. _

_But he made a mistake, and he hurt me. Calling my brother was the worst possible decision he could have made. Because he told my father, and my father and my brother are exactly alike, personality way._

_So when I got home, my father was at my door._

_**Flashback**_

"_Open the door." He demanded. I quickly went to the door and unlocked it. He pushed me into the door till I opened it and fell inside, landing harshly on the ground. He slammed the door with his great force._

"_What the hell are you doing? Causing all of this drama!" He yelled kicking me while I was on the ground._

"_Dad! What are you doing here?" I say worried, backing away from him, still on the ground._

"_Your brother got a call today. It was your little friend, Robbie. Telling me that you aren't right. Cutting? Seriously? As if my life isn't already complicated enough having you in it, but adding issues into my life that I have to deal with? Do you know what the fuck you are doing?" He yells. I feel tears run down my face._

"_I didn't mean to." I whisper. He again kicks me, and I hold my side where he hit, moaning in pain._

"_Please stop." I cry._

"_You are fucking mess up!" He yells to me. "Your mother was happy to die to get away from you." Nothing that I hadn't heard before, I have heard this from the day that she died, when I was 6. So it didn't faze me all to much, but still stung, badly. After hitting my a couple of more times, throwing my against the wall and saying a couple of more hurtful things, he gave up and left. I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall crying._

_Why does he hate me? Why do I deserve this?_

_**The flashback is now over.**_

_I looked around the room, so plain. So boring. Like me. _

_My phone starts to buzz._

_Cat, I haven't heard from you for awhile. What have you been doing? Is everything okay? -Tori_

_I am fine. -Me to Tori_

_Hey, Cat... -Andre_

_Hey.. -Me to Andre_

_How are you doing? Robbie told me about yesterday... -Andre_

_Lovely. I am doing fine. -Me to Andre_

_Are you sure? - Tori_

_I don't know what Robbie told you, but I am fine. Don't worry about me. -Me to Tori_

_I just want to make sure that you aren't hurting yourself anymore -Andre_

_I would if I could -Me to Andre_

_I just don't want you to be hurting yourself -Tori_

_Will you stop and leave me alone? -Me to Tori _

_I was pushing everyone away. I am actually okay with this. _

_Cat! Should I come over? -Andre_

_No. Don't. I am fine, I can't do anything anyways. Plus I am not home. -Me to Andre_

_I don't care if I lied, I just didn't want him to come over here to stop me if I find something I can do. _

_Cat.. I just wanted to help... -Tori_

_Well don't! I don't need your help! I don't need any body's help! -Me to Tori_

_Are you sure? -Andre_

_Yes. Leave me alone. I am done talking to you. -Me to Andre_

_Obviously. -Tori_

_Whatever. Leave me alone. -Me to Tori_

_I cried more. How could I be this mean? I just didn't want to hurt them anymore._

_Cat! What is going on, Tori says that you are upset. -Robbie_

_NO! You need to leave me alone to! I am done with you most of all Robbie. I am done with everyone. -Me to Robbie_

_Cat! This isn't you talking! What is going on? -Robbie_

_Leave me alone. -Me to Robbie_

_Oh.. -Andre_

_Cat I am coming over. -Robbie_

_I am not home, so don't. The door is locked. -Me to Robbie_

_Liar, you are too home. -Robbie_

_How would you know? -Me to Robbie_

_Then where are you? -Robbie_

_If I wanted you to find me, I would tell you. Good thing that I don't want you to find me. -Me to Robbie_

_I am coming to your house anyways. I have a key, remember? -Robbie_

_Shit._

_Don't you dare go into my house. I will call the police for breaking in. -Me to Robbie_

_No you wont. -Robbie_

_Wanna bet? -Me to Robbie_

_Sure, why not. How much? -Robbie_

_I ignored his text. I quickly get up, dragging my sofa in front of the door. Crying my eyes out. The sorrow in my life. I needed to end this. I need to end this quickly._

_I run to my bathroom. I can't do this. I can't live with all of this anymore. Throwing up my medicine cabinet, hoping for anything. 4 bottles sat in there, all were about half full. I grabbed the bottles. Swallowing them down quickly. Mixture of anti-depressions with Tylenol and some other pain killers. At least 100 pills now. _

"_Cat!" I hear at the front door._

"_Open up!" He bangs. The door knob is wobbling. I quickly swallow down some more. Then I hear the door slowly slide open, him groaning to get the couch out of the way. I quickly swallow more. _

_He can't change this anymore. _

_He can't stop it this time._

_I hear him rushing into the house._

"_Cat! Where are you?" He screams. I keep taking the pills into my body, I couldn't barley cry because I was drained out. _

"_Cat!" He screamed while I was taking down another pill. Slapping the pill bottles off the counter and grabbing my hand, dragging me to the living room. But I felt my body start to go numb. It was working. _

"_What the fuck are you doing!" He yells. Taking out his phone and calling 911._

"_I need an ambulance! Now! My friend just overdoesed! Please! Please hurry!" He said, his voice was cracking, tears were running down his face. He layed me down on the couch._

"_Cat... you are going to be okay. You are going to be fine..." He whispers, brushing the hair out of my face. _

"_But I don't want to be fine." I say weakly. I am surprised how quickly the pills kicked in. Then everything went black._

_**Robbie's POV**_

_Cat stopped breathing, her eyes went blank. Her whole body went completely weak. I check her heart. No beat._

_No beat._

_No beat. I cried. Performing CPR. _

"_CAT!" I screamed._

_Checking her heart again._

_No beat._

**Thank you guys for reading! n.n I (again) am thanking you guys all for the messages making sure I am okay. I hadn't been on the computer in awhile, when I got on to Fanfiction, I had so many messages making sure that I was okay! I am so thankful for you guys. Thank you for being a family to me when my own family wont 3**

**R&R?**

**God bless you guys 3**

**Sierra~~**


	7. She rubbed off on me

**Hey guys n.n I am glad that I am getting such good feedback on this story! I hope you guys like this chapter. :) R&R :D**

**Love you guys 3**

**Sierra~~**

**Robbie's POV**

"I told you..."

_I stood there in the alone, in the waiting room, as the wheeled Cat's lifeless body away. My body is numb, all the pain. I lost her. But I still have hope, things could turn around, right? I mean.. this can't just end like this... right now. I look around me. Desperate faces surround me. They are probably all waiting to hear about there close friend, wife.. kids. Waiting to hear if they are going to be okay. I look down the hall a doctor, a woman and man were standing there. I am guessing they were a couple, because he was holding her. Cat.. The doctor told them something, that I couldn't hear, then she falls into the man's arms, and they both cry. They lost someone_

_I was waiting for that to be mean. Waiting to hear the news that cat didn't make it. That they were unable to get her heart to beat again. That she was really gone. What hurt me the most was to know that I wasn't going to have her back. I felt myself slowly giving up, felt myself slowly letting go. I don't want to. I don't want to give up and say that I have lost her. That she is no longer going to be there. But What are the odds of having her? What are the odds of being able to hold her again? Slim._

_After 2 hours of wondering, and complete pain.. the doctor came out. I sigh, rushing over to him._

"_Is she okay?" I say panicky, trying to get a peak inside of the room. But he closed the door._

"_Robbie.." He said hesitantly. I felt tears go down my face. _

_I knew._

"_No.." I whisper._

"_NO!" I scream. Pushing past him into the room. There was no machines hooked up to her. Her body was still, resting on the bed. Lifeless._

"_Cat!" I ran over to her, taking her into my arms. Her head fell back. She was really gone. She was so cold. Her red hair... her lips... everything. I can't let her go. I wont let her go._

"_Robbie..." The doctors says._

"_NO!" I scream, crying into her stomach._

"_Cat please wake up. Please." I cry. But there is no movement. There is no heart beat. There is no life._

"_You can't be gone! Do you hear me? You can't be!" I scream. Trying to shake her awake. Her body just shook, but there was no response._

"_Robbie." The doctor says, walking up to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I quickly slapped it off._

"_You did this! You could have saved her! You could have kept her alive!" I scream, running out of the room. I didn't stop till I hit my home._

_It was empty. I went to the guest bedroom._

"_Cat." I whisper. She slept in here. The bed wasn't made from when she left. I hadn't changed it. She had left one of her shirts here. It was one of her favorites too. I take the soft silk into my hands._

"_Why did this happen?" I whisper. "How could you really be gone?" I wish I could have saved her. I wish that I could have known that she was really going to do this. I shouldn't have left her alone. This was my fault. Why did I leave the hospital so quickly? I should have stayed. Said my goodbyes. I should tell everyone. Not that they could go and say goodbye, she was probably already being shipped off to the funeral home._

_I take out my phone. Texting everyone. I couldn't call. I couldn't let them hear me cry. I couldn't hear them cry._

_Guys.. I tried. I tried really hard. Cat didn't make it tonight. -Me to everyone._

_They didn't even know that she OD in the first place, I never thought about it._

_Robbie? What are you talking about? -Tori_

_Where are you? -Me to Tori_

_We are all at my house playing cards. What is going on? -Tori_

_I am coming over. I will explain then. -Me to Tori_

_Is Cat okay? -Tori_

_No... -Me to Tori_

_I stopped texting her. Putting my phone in my pocket, but it never stopped ringing, texts and calls kept coming to me. But I let them sit._

_I get to Tori's house. Tears still running down my face. I walk right into her house, they were all standing around, worried looks on there faces._

"_Robbie!" They all scream. My tears kept coming._

"_What is going on?" Tori asked._

"_Is Cat okay?" Jade asks._

"_Where is she?" Andre asks._

"_Cat passed away.." I say slowly. Looking blankly at everything. Pain... I was filled with pain. With sorrow. Tears started running down there faces._

"_Please tell me you are kidding." Jade says. I shake my head slowly. Sitting down on the couch, still blank. Still pain._

"_She.. she over dosed.. when I got there... she was out of it. She lost her heart beat at the house.. but they thought maybe they could save her in time.." I say._

"_They couldn't..." I whisper. Tori and Jade were sobbing. Andre had a few tears, then ran out of the house, slamming the door. Beck ran after him. No words out of Beck. No reaction. Why?_

_I went to my house later that night, alone. I looked at my phone. I was scrolling through the text.. Cat.. texts from Cat._

_She was alive only a few hours ago. I was the last person she saw before she stepped away from the living and joined the dead. I feel pain and guilt. I feel horrible. Then I feel a blade go through my wrist. I look down. I see myself hammering out on my own body with a knife. _

"_When did I get this knife?" I say to myself. "When did this happen?" I see the blood come out quickly_

"_I don't care."I say. "I am to blame for her death."_

**:O Did you guys like the chapter? I hope so! Please review! Tell me what you think?**

**I love you guys 3 Thanks so much!**

**God Bless**

**(More Chapters coming soon!)**

**Sierra~~**


	8. I thought it was real

**Hey guys! Thank you for reviewing my story :) It means a lot! Thank you also for the people who messaged me making sure that everything was still going okay. I am glad that there are people out there, as I have said before. But I can't tell you how thankful I am for all of you! I love you guys so much 3**

**God bless**

**(R&R?) **

**Sierra~~**

I woke up on my couch. There was a knife in my hand, but no scars on my wrist. I thought I cut myself. I don't know what is going on right now...

What is going on?

That's right... Cat.

I pull out my phone. 12 missed calls. A whole bunch of texts.

_Hey. I wanted to let you know that Cat is okay. We went to go see her in the hospital and everything is alright. -Andre_

What? What are you talking about. No... Cat is dead. Cat is gone. This isn't a joke.

_Robbie? You left here yesterday a little confused, a little out of it. But Cat is okay. She is just going to be held there for observation. Nothing is going on, we are just going to try to get her some help so she will stop this nonsense with the cutting and eating disorders. -Tori_

What is going on? I am so confused. This seems like a dream...

A dream..

I was dreaming..

Cat really isn't dead.. is she?

I opened the next text.

Cat..

_Robbie? Are you okay? I heard that you were really upset. I know you are mad at me. I am sorry! I am really sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. None of you. -Cat._

Cat texted me. My heart dropped. She was really okay. Unless this isn't real life. I pinched myself and flinched. No. No this is real life for sure.

I looked around at my room. Empty. Boring. Plain. I don't know what to do. Do I go see Cat? Everything is so mixed up for me right now, I am not to sure what was in the dream, and what really happen.

Cat overdosed.. but she didn't die. No. Cat is living. Cat is okay. I felt a smile grow slightly on my face.

So I found her. Then I called the police. They took her... Then I headed over to Tori's? I don't know. I am for sure that I went over there. But obviously they weren't all crying because Cat had.. you know.

I didn't care what happened. I am just glad she is okay. I run out of my house quickly, getting into my car and rushing to the hospital, after checking the same messages over and over again.

"Cat is okay. Don't worry." That is basically what all of them said.

I got to the hospital. Rushing up to the front desk.

"Cat V-" I was interrupted with the lady pointing to a door. I rush to it, opening it. Cat was sitting, legs crossed, watching TV, giggling.

"Robbie!" She cheered, happily. But then that quickly changed to fright. Like I was going to hurt her. Pure horror.

"Cat!" I say, running up to the side of her bed, sitting down next to her and pulling her into a hug. I could tell she was shocked.

"Cat, I am so glad you are okay!" I yell excitedly.

"Robbie? Are you okay?" Cat asks me, pulling away from the hug.

"I am now! I am so glad that you are okay!" I tell her, looking into her eyes. She is unsure.

"They aren't letting me leave by myself..." Cat begins to say, then she looks down at her fingers.

"I know you are mad at me.. but Tori can't. Neither can Jade or Andre. I know that it is a lot to ask, for everything that I have done to you, but Robbie, I have nowhere to go. You don't have to let me stay with you, just sign me out. I just want to leave. Please, Robbie." She begged.

"No need to beg, Cat. Of course I will. But.." I say.

"But?" She repeats.

"You ARE staying with me. You are not leaving. I shall be like your guardian." I say. She giggles.

"Guardian. Should I start calling you daddy?" She jokes.

"If that is what you want?" I wink at her. She laughs, and I join along.

"On a serious note though..." I say. "You aren't doing this anymore. The cutting. Its done. You are going to start eating. You are going to start being a regular 16 year old girl. You are going to really be smiley and happy.. and just... the Cat I thought I knew." I say, looking blankly at the ceiling.

"Robbie. I am still the Cat that you knew. That Cat just had some secrets that were revealed." She says. Touching my cheek with her hand, turning my head towards her.

"I am still Cat." She says, smiling slightly. Her hand is still resting on my cheek. We are both gazing into each others eyes. I smile, I don't even notice. Then I feel her lips to mine. I feel the warmth of her body on my lap. Her arms are resting around my neck. She pulls away for a second.

"Just let me be me." She says, kissing me again.

I was being used...

**Thank you guys -3 -3 **

**I love you guys so much ^-^**

**Have a nice week! I shall post again soon!**

**Sierra~~**


	9. I love him, but I don't know

**Hey guys! :D This is chapter 9! I hope you like it. **

**R&R**

**Thank you guys 3  
>Sierra~~<strong>

**Robbie's POV**

I took her home a couple days after she was admitted. I drove her over to her place, to get her some of her clothes and things. We sat on the couch, quietly. Me and Cat had shared this... this long kiss. But I couldn't help but feel used. Like she was using my love for her to get her to be able to get her way. Like be able to still cut when she wants to. I felt like that kiss meant absolutely nothing to her. Like I meant nothing to her. I feel like I am jumping through hoops with Cat... But it is worth it. She is worth it.

**Cat's POV**

I sat on Robbie's couch quietly. Then he got up, taking my hand, and bring me to the kitchen, sitting me on a stool. Then he takes out a cup and then starts to fill it with water.

"Why couldn't I just wait in the living room while you get something to drink?" I ask confused.

"Because, Cat. I am not leaving you alone. Last time I left you alo-"

"I get it." I interrupted.

"What would you like to eat?" Robbie asked me. My heart tore. He was really going to make me eat. I looked up at him.

"What?" I asked, hurt.

"You are eating Cat. Or you can go back to the hospital. I am not going to hesitate to put you right back in there if you aren't going to follow what you need to do." He says. My heart continues to break in every possible way.

"But Robbie..." I say quietly, tears building in my eyes. He ignores it.

"What do you want to eat?" He asks again. I honestly don't understand. Why would he make me eat? He knows I hate this. I though maybe he would let me just live my life the way I want to live it. I don't want to have to go through these days... without cutting. With eating. I just don't get how people can tell you how to live your life. My parents signed for me to be an adult. I am legally considered an adult now. I should be able to make my own decisions, right? I mean they can't just MAKE me be with Robbie.. But I wasn't going to complain. I liked being with him. I liked it more when he would hug me... tell me that everything was going to be okay. Tell me that even though I was a complete screw up, he wouldn't ever leave my side.

I miss the Robbie that _didn't know_. I miss when no one knew what I was doing. When everyone thought I was this little girl, who didn't know anything. That was this.. goofy girl that thought everything in the world was great.. was amazing.

When really this 'little' girl, thinks everything in this world is out to get her. Is out to hunt her down, and kill her. Is out to hurt her. Everything is out to hurt me. I know it. I want Robbie to protect me. I wish I would just tell him about my _father_.

I wish that he could just tell me that he loves me. I wish I would just tell him.. that I love him.

Because I do. I always have. I just want him to know..

**Sorry for the short chapter! But I wanted to post.. again. So :O**

**I love you guys 3**

**Review?**

**Sierra~~**


	10. Getting better can all be pretend

**Hey guys (: I have read the reviews and I am just.. Shocked. There is  
>so many people who cut and are anorexic like me. I just want to say,<br>your lives are way to precious and amazing to do these things to  
>yourself. Don't ever take it as far as I did, please. I want you guys<br>to cherish the life that you have. I know you don't know me, but I am  
>here for all of you.<strong> 

**Cat's POV**

I really did love him. But how terrifying is that to admit? I don't  
>want him to hurt me. I don't want to hurt him. I am hurting him when<br>we aren't even in a relationship.  
>Why?<br>Why does he get so upset with what I do? With what is going on with me?  
>He is so worried I am not me anymore when really. I never changed. I<br>am still me. I am still completely me, he just found out things that  
>he thought weren't what I would do.<br>So he never really knew me.  
>I am just disappointed in myself. All my friends. What do they feel?<br>Tori... Jade... Beck... Andre...  
>I know how Robbie feels.. I think. I just, I don't know why.<br>I am sitting in the guest bedroom alone. It is 8:00 o'clock in the  
>morning, and I haven't had one wink of sleep.<br>I sat there with a blank look on my face, knees up to my chest and I  
>hugged them tight.<br>Making myself smaller is the only thing I am good at. I look around  
>the room, eyelids are heavy but I try to keep them open. I know Robbie<br>will be up soon.  
>Footsteps coming down the stairs. I was right. I just sit there for a<br>while longer, maybe he will eat before I go out there so he will  
>forget about me eating.<br>My door opens. Robbie walks in, a little shocked I am awake.  
>"Hey there!" He chuckles.<br>"Hi." I sigh.  
>"You look a little tired." He jokes. He is trying to cheer me up.<br>"Yeah. I didn't get much sleep last night." I say quietly.  
>"Not much or none at all?" He says leaning on the door frame, looking<br>at me with his beautiful glimmering eyes.  
>"None." I frown. I feel tears build up in my eyes.<br>No please don't cry in front of him.  
>"Why not?" He asks. Walking over to the bed and sitting down next to<br>me. I shrug.  
>"I don't know." I lie.<br>"Sure you do." He calls me on my lie.  
>"Just doing a lot of thinking, I guess." I confess. Sure it isn't the<br>full story. But it is the truth. I was thinking.  
>About him.<br>About my dad.  
>About where I am going to get my next knife.<br>I was going to sneak out of the room last night, but I want to act  
>like I am okay for awhile so he will let me go.<br>"About what?" He asks. I shrug.  
>"Its nothing." I say.<br>"You know you can trust me. Even if you are mad at me." He says.  
>"Mad at you?"<br>"You know, for making you eat. For stopping you from cutting. I know  
>you don't like it, Cat. But it's for the best. I am just trying to<br>look out for you." He says grabbing my hands and standing up. He wants  
>me to follow him. I sigh and get up, letting him lead the way out of<br>the room and to the kitchen.  
>"Sit down." He orders me. I just stand in the entry way to the kitchen.<br>"Cat. Sit down." He again tells me. I don't move. I just look down at  
>the ground. He is standing over by the sink, but he sighs and walks<br>over to me, picking me up and sitting me down on the stool.  
>When did he get so strong? I sigh.<br>"Fine. Have it your way." I say when he walks back over to the sink,  
>filling a pot with water.<br>"Lets boil some eggs." He says enthusiastic to himself.  
>He takes the eggs out of the fridge and drops them in when the water<br>comes to a boil. Then he takes out his little grill thing and starts  
>to make pancake batter.<br>Act like you are getting better.  
>I get up and walk over to him.<br>"Can I help?" I ask sneaking up behind him. He smiles.  
>"Really?" He asks confused.<br>"Yes!" I lie.  
>This is to be able to be myself again. I need my knife. So I need him<br>to think I am okay.

**Thanks guys :D hope you liked it. Thank you so much.  
>Review?<br>God bless  
>Sierra~~<strong>


	11. Telling him was a mistake

**Hey guys! I hope you liked the last chapter even though it didn't get  
>much Feedback. I am now writing these on my iPod. So if things are<br>kinda... Different. That is why.  
>Anyways. Thank you all so much to those of you who read my stories! If<br>you like Victorious stories with Jade, I have another FF called "Dont  
>let me cry, Just let me die." I hope those of you who are reading this<br>and are doing this know that I CARE. Stay strong guys. 3  
>Hope you enjoy the chapter.<br>God bless  
>Sierra~~<strong>

**Cat's POV**

I don't think I thought it through all the way. When the food was  
>done. I didn't want to eat. The pancakes sat there on my plate,<br>mocking me. It was killing me. I don't want to eat this.  
>But do I not eat it, and let Robbie get mad at me? Or do I eat it and<br>throw up and feel horrible after.  
>I know that I want to act like I am getting 'better'. But I can't! I<br>can't do it. I am not strong enough. I really am not.  
>"Robbie..." I sigh. Pushing the plate away.<br>"I know. But you are still eating." He says not even turning his head.  
>"I know?" I ask. "What do you know?" I am really confused.<br>"That you were putting on an act. Cat no one gets better just like  
>that. It's going to be a process. I just wish that you would really<br>try. I can force you to eat... and I can stop you from cutting. When  
>you are here. You aren't going to be here forever. You are in my<br>temporary custody." He pauses. His voice starts to break. Tears are  
>building up.<br>No Robbie. Please don't cry.  
>"I just want you to know.." He turns to me. Pushing my head up lightly<br>by my chin so I was no longer looking at my hands, but into his eyes.  
>"I just want you to know that you mean... So much to me. I can't let<br>you throw your life away. I can't let you treat yourself like dirt  
>anymore. Cat you are so much more then scars and starving. Please.<br>Just listen to me and believe me when i say this." Tears stream down  
>his face. Then they begin on mine.<br>We both sit there, crying. He was waiting for me to respond. To say  
>anything. But I don't. I sit there silent. Trying to find the key so<br>that I could unlock our gaze.  
>"Why do you do it?" He asks. I pause. Thinking.<br>"I do it.. Because I am not worth anything else. I do it because it's  
>the only thing I know how to do correctly without failing. I do it<br>because I am a ugly, horrible, stupid person." I push my head away.  
>Sighing.<br>"I do it because I want my mother back." I continue. "I do it because  
>my father has hit me and raped me all my life." I stop. His mouth<br>drops. I dart out of the dining room, running into the bathroom trying  
>to lock it behind me.<br>He took the locks off.  
>I still curl up on the ground, pushing my legs up to my chest.<br>I can't believe I just told him. He knocks on the door.  
>"Cat?" He asks. I just continue to cry into my knees. He opens the door.<br>He sits next to me.  
>"Cat... I am so sorry." He says. I just look up slowly and look at him.<br>I didn't want to be in the same room as him. I wanted to be alone.  
>I didn't want to be here.<br>I got up, leaving the bathroom quickly, almost In a sprint.  
>I run into the kitchen. Grabbing a knife. A big one.<br>"Cat!" I hear Robbie yell over and over again. While he searched for me.  
>To be honest, I don't know what I am doing. I don't know why I ran<br>out. I just can't believe I told him. I need the knife. I need the  
>knife now. I hold it to my wrist and cut quickly over and over again.<br>Robbie finds me crying. I hold it to myself so that he won't come  
>closer.<br>"Stay away." I scream while sobbing harshly. I could barely breath.  
>"Cat! Oh my god. Cat, listen to me. Please. It's okay. Everything is<br>okay. Please. Put the knife down. Please." He begs, taking baby steps  
>towards me.<br>"No! Stay away!" I yell, cutting my wrist again.  
>Blood strained down my arms, on to his floor.<p>

**Thank you for reading this chapter (: Do you like it? I hope so 3 I love you guys so much.**

**Sierra~~**


	12. Now my friends are leaving

**Cat's POV**

"So you blame him?" She asks confused.

"Um. Sorta. I guess I forgave him after it was to late." I confess.

_I held the knife tightly in my hand. Not letting him get closer to me. But he kept trying to convince me to let go of the knife and come to him. That everything was going to be okay._

"_But nothing is okay!" I yell to him, holding the knife tighter._

"_Cat. Please. Just put it down. Come here. What he did to you, what happened to you, none of it is your fault!" He tells me, in a calm, but scared, voice._

"_You don't understand, Robbie! I am not worth it! I am not worth anything. I have hurt you. I have hurt everyone. I shouldn't be here. I should have never been here." I look blankly at the ground, thinking back on everything that I have done to people. Everything that my father has done to me. But my flashbacks soon was stopped by the knife being pulled out of my hand, and Robbie pulling me into a hug. I immediately started crying.. Crying into his chest and we slid to the ground. He pulled me onto his lap, rocking me softly and letting me cry._

"_Robbie.." I try to say between sobs. _

"_It's okay." He whispers, and I continue to cry. I shake my head slowly. It isn't okay. I shouldn't be doing this. I just hurt him. But I thought it was all going to end. So I thought I wouldn't be here right now, crying into his shoulder, while he is holding back his own tears.. all because I hurt him. I felt blood continuing to flow out of my wrist. It was getting on him. _

_I feel so bad. I didn't know what to do. He lightly pushes my head up with his hand under my chin._

"_You are perfect Cat. What he did to you, isn't what you deserved. Ever. You don't need to do this because of him. Or he will win." He says slowly and softly. He stands me up. I feel my head getting light, and my body getting weak. _

_**Black..**_

_I woke up in the guest bedroom. There was a wet rag on my forehead, bandages up and down my arms from all the cuts. Robbie was sitting right there next to me. Watching as I woke up, smiling. I smile slightly at him, but then I remember the situation we are in._

_The pain I caused. _

_I hear, rustling and banging out of the room._

"_Who is here?" I whisper._

"_Everyone." He says softly._

"_Everyone?" I ask, sitting up, and looking at him confused. Then Tori, Andre, Beck, and Jade walk into the room. Smiling slightly, but you could see the pain and worry in there eyes._

"_Hey Cat." Tori says softly and unsure. I just smile slightly at her, sitting up all the way, and pushing my knees to my chest. Robbie gets up from the bed. Without a word, Jade, Andre, Robbie and Beck all leave. Leaving me with Tori. She walks up slowly to the side of the bed, two bottles of water in her hand. She hands me one._

"_Thanks." I say softly, taking it from her. It was really cold against my hand._

_Like my heart._

"_Cat.." She says. Looking away, collecting her thoughts._

"_Yes?" I ask._

"_Why did you do this?" She asks. I feel pain shoot through my body. Her voice was cracking from the pain I had caused her._

"_I.. I don't know." I say softly. Almost in a whisper. "I am sorry."_

"_Don't be sorry, Cat. Just remember... you are hurting more people then just yourself. You are hurting more people then you think. All of us, we are heart broken. Cat, we want you to be happy! Why can't you just be happy?" She seems like she is getting frustrated.. even though I didn't think I said anything to wrong right now. _

"_It isn't that easy Tori.." I say._

"_Why not? You were happy a few weeks ago.. then you are falling apart. What is going on?" She asks. I started to actually get mad._

"_No! Actually Tori, I have been 'falling apart' for awhile now! I just was able to hide it. Did you ever even think of that?" I say harshly, but then I start to cry because I was so mean._

"_I am sorry." I whisper. "I am really, really sorry.." She pulled me into a hug. I cried into my hands, that relaxed on her shoulder. After a few minuets, after I was done crying, she left. Then in walks Beck. _

_He looked at me painfully._

"_You shouldn't have done this to us." He says when he closes the door._

"_I know.. I am sorry." I whisper. Looking down at my hands. The water bottle sat, randomly, in the middle of the bed. Rolling around with each moment from the bed. _

"_No, Cat! You said sorry last time! When are you just going to stop. You are going to start loosing people if you don't stop this. People care to much to watch you do this, and if we can't stop you... we are going to walk away." He yells. He is mad. I feel tears build up in my eyes. _

"_Well.. then I guess I will get what I want." I say softly. I just want them to leave so I have no one left to hurt._

"_You want us to leave?" I don't say anything._

"_You want us out of your life?" He asks. Again, nothing comes out of my mouth._

"_Fine. Bye Cat. Call me when you need me.."_

_He walks out of the room, slamming the door, and I am left, crying into my knees... alone._

**Hey guys!:) Did you like this chapter? I know we didn't really get anywhere with this chapter. But we will! I promise! Sorry its kind of a lot of just showing you how her friends feel right now. I just want to do okay with this story!**

**Review?**

**God bless~~**

**Sierraxx**


	13. I love you

**Hey guys (: So I realized some people were confused about the last chapter, and I would like to kinda help. So when my friends kept trying to help me out of it, and I kept pushing them away, they did give up, sure maybe it wasn't the best decision, but it is the choice a lot of people make. My friends didn't 'give up on me', but they left so that I wouldn't keep hurting them. It made me realize that I couldn't do it without them, they came back. I hope this kinda helped.. :S If not, I am super sorry! Again, thank you for all the support. I love you all so much 3**

**God Bless**

**Sierra~~**

**Cat's POV**

_I sat in the room still crying, when someone walks in. I look up. Robbie._

"_Cat.." He says quietly, inching his way to the bed. He sits next to me and I feel his arms wrap around me tightly._

"_This is going to be hard for everyone." He whispers through my hair, into my ears, while we are holding each other and I am crying into his shoulder. I shake my head. I wanted so badly to tell him that I am so sorry, but I couldn't because I was crying to hard._

"_Cat, Beck didn't want to leave, you know that. This is hard. This is going to be hard. I know that was hard for him to do. But maybe it was the best for him to just leave for now." He whispers to me. _

_I know. I understand why he left. I mean.. I was pushing him away. I was making him feel like shit because I can't do anything right._

_Even though I wanted to tell him that.. I didn't._

"_He isn't kicking you out of his life. You need him, he will be there for you. He is stressed Cat, don't take it to heart. Okay?" He rustles to me._

"_I- I didn't- I didn't mean to.." I try to say, still crying into shoulder. He held me tight. _

_Safe.  
><em>

_I felt safe._

**Robbie's POV**

_I am holding her close to me. Her warm body was shivering. She cried into my shoulder, as much as I wanted to cry for her, I wont, because I need to be strong for her. She is so weak right now. She needs me. She needs me to be able to take it when she can't. My heart was breaking. I just wanted to take the pain away from her. To make everything all better. To make everything okay. Take away the memories of what her father did to her. Take away all of the hurt that she has ever had to deal with. _

_But I can't._

_So I am going to sit here and I am going to try.. I am going to try to make things better. I am going to try to make her forget about her past and make things okay right now._

_Her sobbing slows down. Then she looks up into my eyes, there are tears still streaming down her face, and I take one of my arms that is wrapped around her, and I wipe them away with my fingers. She smiles slightly._

_I feel a little bit better. _

"_Robbie..." She whispers, looking me with her big, beautiful eyes._

"_Yes." I say back._

"_I love you..." She looks at me frightened. But certain. Does she really? Is this a joke? Do I trust her with my heart... even though she already has it. _

**Thanks for reading. Bleh, I am so writers blocked! Like seriously! I just.. I don't know what to do right now. I like can relate to this story like SO much, but I just CAN'T seem to figure out how to make it.. get to where I want it to be. **

**Gah, I will think about it for awhile and update when I can think of something. Any ideas to help a fellow writer out?**

**BY THE WAY, for all of you that are really trusting me with everything. Telling me everything. I understand! It is easier sometimes to talk to someone that you don't know because they wont judge you. I will not judge you! You guys are so strong 3 I mean I really do feel like a hypocrite saying that.. because I mean.. I am cutting.. then you guys are like "Advise on how to stop?" I just I want to help! I want you guys to be happy! You deserve to be! 3 I love you all so much!**

**God Bless xx**

**Sierra~~**


	14. The suffering needs to stop

**Hey guys. Sorry for the long wait for the next chapter.. a lot has been going on. So a lot of you have been asking how I am doing.. and I am doing okay. I can't seem to figure out a good way to stop cutting yet... it just always leads to more cutting.. so.. Anyways. I hope you guys like this chapter. Thank you guys so much for all of your support with my treatment/recovery.**

**Cat's POV**

"I never wanted to trust him. Ever."

_He looked at me with mixed eyes. There was some horror and sadness. But there is also relief, happiness. Does he feel like this for me? I shouldn't have said that. I am not sure about it. I mean.. he is the only one who has ever treated me right._

_Beck... I don't understand why he left. I don't know why he would leave when I need him so much right now. But I guess that doesn't matter. All my friends think I am different... but I haven't even changed. I can go back to covering it up. We can all go back to acting like none of this is going on. I can go back to being 'happy' and clueless. _

_But I was observant. Taking in all of there criticism when I walked by. Some people hate me because I'm crazy. But some loved me for that. I guess Beck was one of those who loved me because I was crazy. Now that I am over it, he is over me._

_He pulls away and looks blankly at me._

"_Cat.." He hesitantly says._

"_As a friend, I mean. I didn't mean like.." I cover up._

"_Right! Right! I knew that." He looks 'relieved'._

"_Sorry.." I say quietly, looking at my knees, about to cry again._

_Robbie dragged me to the kitchen, making me eat, again. Lovely. He hid all the knives, under lock and key. Everything sharp, and I seriously mean everything, is locked away. Nothing I can get to now. _

_He sits a plate of pasta, with about 10 noodles on the plate, and a glass of orange juice in front of me, looking at me, waiting for me to dig in._

"_Look Robbie. I really am not hung-"_

"_Cat. Eat the food." He says sternly, again waiting for me to eat. No matter what I said to make an excuse, he didn't listen. He just sat there waiting and watching me._

_An hour and a half has passed and he hasn't said anything, he is just sitting next to me. Every time I would try to get away, he quickly grabbed me and carried me back, sitting me on the stool._

_I slowly picked up the fork, giving up. I took one noodle in the fork, wiping off all the sauce on the edge of the bowl, and slowly putting it into my mouth with shaky hands. I slowly chew, shutting my eyes tight, trying not to think about the calories and fat that I am gaining from this. _

"_Good job!" Robbie cheers. I look at him after I swallow, there is a wide smile on his face. I giggle slightly with the ridiculous look on his face, but quickly remembering what I just did._

_I am ruining everything... and Robbie is making me._

_I wait about 15 to 20 minuets, then slowly pick up another noodle, doing the same procedures. After I finished all of the noodles in a record time of 4 and a half hours, he smiled big, pulling me up and into a hug. He never left me._

"_I am so proud of you!" He exclaims, smiling, squeezing tighter around me. _

"_Now finish your Orange Juice." He orders, sitting me back down on the stool. I sigh and take a small sip of the juice, making a sour face._

"_This is gross." I tell him. "I don't like this at all." He gives me a stern look. I take another sip, again making the face. After a couple of sips, he takes it from my hand and dumps it down the drain._

"_Fine. Apple juice next time." He says, pulling me to my feet and bringing me to the couch and turning on the television._

"_Lets get your mind off things." I cuddle up close to him as we watch CSI. I lay my head on his shoulder, and slowly drift asleep. _

_I wake up the next morning, laying on the couch alone, with a blanket around me. I get up, streach, and run to the guest room to get my phone. _

_4 new messages._

"_Cat. I am so sorry. That was wrong of me to leave you like that. Can we please talk?" Beck_

"_Cat! I know that I screwed up! Please talk to me." Beck_

"_It was a "in the moment" thing! I was just so frustrated. I'm sorry!" Beck_

"_Please don't ignore me, Cat." Beck _

_I don't text him back. I can't let him suffer anymore._

_I go into Robbie's room and slide the door open just an inch to peek in. He is fast asleep. I quickly run to the bathroom. Opening the cabinet. _

"_I can't let any of them suffer anymore." I whisper to myself. _

_**:/ Bad chapter. I know. Sorry guys. Tell me what you guys think? Thank you guys again. -3**_

_**Sierra xx**_


	15. Just Hold Me

**I know this has been REALLY long to wait. But I have been in treatment. But I am out now, so I will start updating more! I hope you guys like this chapter. I am going to try to update at least once a week, so make sure to keep your eyes out for new chapters. Xx thank you guys so much for the messages when I got back 3 it means a lot! xx Happy reading.**

**-Sierra**

"I wanted to forget what was happening. And I didn't know how without the pain..."

_I searched through the cabinet, but yet nothing seemed good enough. No pills. Nothing sharp. All because Robbie decided to either, A: Hide it all, or B: Trash it all. Either way, there isn't anything that I can find. But my hands continue to search frantically through the cabinets, drawers and counter top for anything. Anything at all. Tooth paste. Soap. Q-tips. Wash cloths. Towels. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can feel the pain, anger and frustration build up in my eyes and flood down my cheeks._

_Why can't he just give it to me?_

_I press my back hard against the wall, across from the large mirror and look at my face. The first time in a really long time. My red hair tangled and messy. My face red. Eyes swollen. The trails of the tears still visible on my face. I'm hideous. I slide down the wall, face in my hands so I no longer have to look at it, and I press my knees to my chest. Sobbing loudly. So loudly that I almost don't notice the footsteps coming into the bathroom, but I can hear the faint echo of them, though it takes everything I have to look._

_ I lift my head, only slightly, to see the bare feet of Robbie. His knees greeting the ground and his arms greeting me. Wrapping around me tightly. Pulling me to him. My arms around his neck, my head in his chest as the tears continue to fall from my face. I don't have anything to lose anymore. He pulls me onto his lap, holding me around the waist as I cry for God knows how long. But eventually, I do pull away, my dark eyes red and puffy from all of the crying, and I look up at him. He is looking at this hideous, disgusting girl, yet his eyes read the -fake- beauty and love. I sigh, looking away and at the counter, not able to look into his eyes anymore._

_ His forehead leans on the side of my head, and he whispers into my ear, ever so softly."I love you, Cat." My mouth drops open. I told him yesterday... but as "Just friends" how do I read this? As he LOVES me the way that I love him? Or the way he thinks I love him. I turn, making him pull his head off of mine, and force myself to look into his eyes._

_ His eyes still read the beauty and love -with a mix of pure tiredness- and I look at him closely. Trying to read the truth. Trying to see what he is REALLY saying. But I can't. I can't read anything. I just sit there, looking into his eyes, confused. He smiles slightly, kissing the tip of my nose before lifting me to my feet. He holds my hand tightly._

_ "I'm still really tired," He says, walking down the hall into his bedroom. I don't say anything, just follow him to his bed. He reaches out his free hand and pulls down the covers, crawling under them, and pulling me along with him. I look at him, a bit confused. "Come cuddle with me?" I smile, unable to hold it in, and lay down under the covers with him, right next to him. Both of us on our backs, looking up at the ceiling. This is surely not how I want to sleep. So I turn to him, taking a risk, and gently laying my head on his chest. Taking in his scent. Oddly of eggs and syrup, and take in the sound of his heart. I pull myself closer, my head digging deeper into his chest. Trying to pick up anything I've missed of him._

_ His arms wrap around my middle, pulling me -practically- fully on him. His lips gently kissing the top of my head. I don't even want to go to sleep. I don't want to miss out on this moment. I don't want to miss the possibly only moment where he will hold me like this. I look up at him, his eyes still open as well._

_ "Aren't you tired?" I whisper softly. He looks down at me and smiles slightly, kissing my forehead._

_ "Ah, yes. But I'd rather lay here and hold you." He whispers, holding me tighter. My stomach fills with butterflies._

_ I can't hurt him_

_ I look back down, so he can't see my face, and I just hug myself tighter to him, closing my eyes and forcing myself to fall asleep. Forcing myself to try to forget._

**This is short, but I wanted to give you a chapter. I am pretty sure that I am going to update tonight again, if I finish updating my other stories! :) Thanks! Review and tell me what you think? If you like self-harm stories, I have another story called "Don't let me cry, Just let me die" It's about Jade cutting. I hope that you -sorta- liked this chapter. But I am sorta off, so I understand if you don't. Xx thanks guys 3 I love all of you so so so much 3**

**Sierra**


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